This Specific Grief So Far

The braille of my hives reads “nettles,” which
I’ve tackled just in time this spring, instead
of waiting until they’re taller than my head.
I should cook them up but won’t. There is so much
I am not doing with this gift of time
that was stolen just today from a woman younger
than me with children younger than mine. Also, her
good words reached farther and did more work than mine.
In this specific grief so far, what have I learned?
The God we prayed to didn’t grant our prayers.
Some plants protect themselves–beware. Beware–
female stinging nettles produce more stinging hairs.
I see pain and possibility everywhere.
“O death where is thy sting?” Right fucking here.

_____

Rachel Held Evans, a writer I admired and learned from so much, has died. She was one of my favorite thinkers on Twitter and I appreciated her blog posts and books. I never met her. I never said “I think you’re great,” not even in a tweet. So there’s this sadness, in proportion to how much she occupied my brain and engaged my heart, and there are so many others hurting so much more.

What else can I say except–read her if you haven’t already. And we all need to understand what she said in her last blog post:

“It strikes me today that the liturgy of Ash Wednesday teaches something that nearly everyone can agree on. Whether you are part of a church or not, whether you believe today or your doubt, whether you are a Christian or an atheist or an agnostic or a so-called ‘none’ (whose faith experiences far transcend the limits of that label) you know this truth deep in your bones: ‘Remember that you are dust and to dust you will return.’

Death is a part of life.

My prayer for you this season is that you make time to celebrate that reality, and to grieve that reality, and that you will know you are not alone.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

_____

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darkness and light and pain and pleasure

_____
(At some point, I will be more in the mood to celebrate her life. Right now, I am grieved and angry, and I feel confident she would support my feeling of my feelings.)

4 responses to “This Specific Grief So Far

  1. I love this.

  2. Lynne Stevenson

    Wish I had known Rachel. She was very wise, way beyond her years. Have been navagating this crooked path of grief myself ever since I found my husband dead on December 28th. On March 23rd, I buried Ernie’s cremains seven hours away from home in his family plot in West Virginia. My son’s ex girlfriend made the trip with me. It still feels as if I am existing on a parallel plane and my heart is stuck in December, while the rest of the world uneventfully spins away. Thank you for introducing me to Rachel and her wisdom. I really needed to read her today.

  3. Lynne I’m so sorry to hear about Ernie. Sending you good thoughts & prayers. And so glad Rachel feels like a help to you.

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